5. Kingwa Kamenchu
She may talk about sex all day in her daily Facebook ramblings. She may be fixated on masturbation and may even have posed totally nude straddling a Maasai shuka. None of all that should fool you into thinking that this former Presidential Candidate and certified lunatic,is good in bed. Because she ain’t. And we know it. She’s Meru to start with. And the good AmerUcan people aren’t exactly famed for bedroom sports. Kingwa is all talk. But little show. And with a mind like hers, so clogged with so many shitty ideas, you wouldn’t expect fireworks in bed. Sex is all in the brain. And hers is currently dysfunctional. Nothing to see here. Madame Praaasssidente.
Another Ogopa Deejays Missus. Who is no longer a singer. This one dated that other jerk Colonel Mustafa for like a gazillion years. And then we don’t remember who dumped who. Before she was said to have moved into some old jamaa’s house to nurse her post-Mustafa blues. Too bad. She didn’t even nurse them enough. Because she went on an eating spree that made her balloon to the size of six Mustaphas. The point here is; just like her music career, sweetheart’s game ain’t shit. You can tell it by the way she moves. And by who she even is. Our correspondents agreed unanimously, girl can’t hack it. She’s usually too caught up thinking of too many useless things, among them why her music career is going nowhere, why she ever even dated Mustapha and what she’s gonna eat next to give you a good bedroom service. Her weight doesn’t help matters. She’s a gone case. Gone gone gone.
7. Njoki Chege
She’s the Mistress of Meaness. Always telling women what’s wrong with them and their lives and their husbands and their bodies. And always telling men what’s wrong with them and their bodies and their cars and their neighborhoods. No one tells her what is wrong with her. And unluckily for her, the results are in. And she ain’t no goddam shit in bed. She never was and probably never will be. Studies have actually shown that the bitchiest women are the worst in bed. They are know-it-alls and it’s either their way or the highway. They won’t suck d*ck and aren’t open to experimental bedroom techniques. Njoki won’t be going down on you boy. And no, she’s not very conversant with position 69. We talked to a former boyfriend who confirmed to us, ‘Girl is all talk and little action…’ and my brother, who are we to dispute that? Isn’t it almost evident? Now if I can go off and dust my Subaru.